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Dr Ilze Van der Merwe
B.A. (Psych) (RAU) B.A Honn (Psych)(RAU) M.A. Research Pysch (Cum Laude)(RAU) M.A. Couns. Psych (Cum Laude)(RAU) D.Litt et Phil.(RAU)
Divorce Attorney Cape Town
Admitted Attorney of the High Court of South Africa.
B.Bus.Sci (UCT), LLB (UCT), PDLP (UCT)
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Women in the workplace: How equal is equal?

Womens Day 2016
It’s hard to believe, but it has been 60 years since that famous march on the Union Buildings by women protesting against unjust pass laws. So much has changed for the better in our society since then. We have one of the most progressive constitutions in the world, enshrining equal rights and justice for all in law, regardless of gender, race, sexual preference, etc.

But what is the lived reality for South African women in 2016? The fact remains that women are still excluded from many opportunities available to their male counterparts. Poor education, lack of confidence and structural barriers keep them out of the workplace or in low-paid jobs. 84 per cent of female employment is in the services sector and women dominate lower earnings categories. Given that many women are sole breadwinners for their families, this is a serious situation.

Why are women often paid less than their male counterparts? The legislation is in place to protect all workers; and it’s being extended and modified all the time. But a sincere intent on the part of employers is now required to bring women more actively into the economy.


A woman’s place…

For centuries, women have been expected to be ‘pregnant and barefoot in the kitchen’. Thanks to socio-cultural conditioning, even the most liberal of male employers sometimes finds it difficult to choose a woman over a man, faced with two equally qualified candidates.

This scenario is particularly common in South Africa; our history and aspects of our culture ensure that women are (in the main) coming second in the human race.


Equal pay for equal work or equal pay for equal value?

‘Equal pay for work of equal value’ refines the term ‘equal pay for equal work’. In other words, there is now legislation to ensure that employees doing similar if not identical work are paid the same. It is designed to prevent discrimination on the basis of gender or other factors by measuring the value of the work produced rather than the actual tasks completed.

For example, a hotel porter (male) might be paid more than a hotel chambermaid (female); but essentially their work is of equal value so they should be paid the same.

The Draft Code of Good Practice on Equal Pay for Work of Equal Value, 2014, is another step on the road to equal pay. An assessment of whether or not the work is of equal value is carried out based on factors such as responsibilities, skills, qualifications, expertise and effort (physical, mental and emotional) and remuneration is allocated accordingly.


The glass ceiling – how thick is it?

How does South Africa compare to the rest of the world in terms of workplace gender equality? Not too badly, if you look at the global figure – in fact, we’re on a par… 24% of senior roles in business are held by women world-wide and in South Africa.

But once a woman crashes through the glass ceiling, is she going to be paid fairly? The law upholds the principle (e.g., the South African Employment Equity Act, 2013; the Women Empowerment Gender Equality Bill, 2014; the Constitution of South Africa) but implementation is not straightforward.

Perceptions need to change and no amount of legislation is going to do that; women still need to work hard for their position in society.


The road ahead – what can government do to empower women?

Education, public transport, childcare facilities, adequate housing, after-school care, access to healthcare, protection from domestic abuse and gender-based violence are all critical enablers that will help women take their rightful place in the world of work. Legal structures exist to ease the burden of poverty, inequality and lack of employment opportunities; but many women are still unaware of their rights.


What can business do to improve the situation?

The barriers to women’s advancement are being broken down, but more training, apprenticeships and mentorship programmes (not just for women) are required in almost every sphere of employment. Business needs increased sensitisation to the needs of female employees, especially single parents and those with family responsibilities. A change in mind-set is needed to open up the marketplace.


What can women do?

Successful women are role models who can encourage and educate others, particularly young women and girls, but women can also help each other with good support systems and peer-to-peer mentoring.


What about the unemployed millions?

Many South African women are uneducated, poor and located far from facilities that could enable them to achieve a better life. They are under-valued in society and frequently lack self-esteem. Yet they often posses tremendous strengths that could and should be developed for the greater good. There are many excellent government and NGO programmes helping to develop women’s skills and foster sustainable livelihoods, but more needs to be done.


If you think you’ve been unfairly treated

The legislation surrounding labour relations is complex and difficult to navigate. If you think you have been unfairly treated at work or have suffered inequity in pay, you should seek professional advice. At Simon Dippenaar & Associates we are experts in labour law and can ensure your rights are protected.

Contact Simon today on 087 550 2740 or email sdippenaar@sdlaw.co.za

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Same-sex divorce – Equal rights, equal wrongs

Same-sex Divorce Cape Town

Recently we’ve had quite a few queries about what happens when a legally married gay or lesbian couple decides to call it a day. We’re happy to answer these questions, but there is in fact very little to say.


Same-Sex Divorce


Marriage is marriage

Same-sex marriage, often called ‘gay marriage’, despite the fact that not all men who have sex with men or women who have sex with women identify as ‘gay’, was a victory for gay rights expressly because it extended the right to legally marry to all members of society, regardless of sexual preference. Some countries had introduced the concept of civil partnerships or civil unions, conferring all the legal rights of marriage while withholding the actual institution of marriage from same-sex partners. This was often a compromise reached with politically powerful religious groups who resisted the notion of gay marriage. Thankfully, many of these countries, most notably the US and UK, have now extended the right to marry to all their citizens.

Here in South Africa, same-sex marriage has been legal for nearly 10 years, since 30 November 2006. South Africa was the fifth country in the world, the first in Africa (and unfortunately still the only one), the first in the southern hemisphere and the second outside Europe to legalise same-sex marriage.


Civil partnerships

Although some countries restrict same-sex unions to civil partnerships and forbid marriage, in South Africa every couple has the option of both. Civil partnerships came into being at the same time as same-sex marriage, and form part of the same legislation (the Civil Union Act 2006). Civil partnerships can be formed by opposite-sex couples and by same-sex couples, and carry the same rights, responsibilities and legal consequences as marriages. Civil partnership is often the choice of couples who do not adhere to any religious code and prefer a secular union.


Divorce is divorce

Just as marriage is marriage, should a same-sex marriage or civil partnership break down, divorce is divorce. The same legal process must be followed; and the same rights to a share in assets apply (depending on which marital property regime the marriage falls under – community of property, with or without accrual, or an antenuptial agreement). South African law provides for no-fault divorce based on the ‘irretrievable breakdown’ of the relationship. A number of factors may be given as evidence of a breakdown, including adultery, but the simplest and least harmful to all involved is one year’s physical separation. Divorce of same-sex couples is subject to exactly the same law.


Children of a same-sex marriage

Fans of Grey’s Anatomy will be aware of the battle between two moms for custody of their daughter. The girl is the biological child of one of the mothers, who were previously married. The court awarded custody to the stepmother, who eloquently testified that an adoptive parent or step-parent is no less a parent than a biological one.

If a same-sex couple decides to have children, it’s obvious that only one of the two can be the natural parent.But this does not automatically confer preferential rights in a custody battle, any more than a mother is automatically awarded custody over a father in a heterosexual divorce situation. The only factor that may increase the complexity of a same-sex divorce with children is the relationship with the other biological parent and the visitation arrangements, if he or she is involved in the child’s life (which is not always the case). There is no set precedent for this and each case must be resolved, hopefully amicably, by all parties.


Help is at hand in a difficult time

Whether same-sex or opposite-sex, marriage or civil union, the breakdown of a life partnership is a painful and trying time. At SD Law and Associates, we handle divorce with patience and sensitivity. We help clients reach the best possible settlement in terms of property, family structure and emotional stability. If you are in need of legal advice and support regarding divorce, contact Simon now on 087 550 2740 or 076 116 0623. Or email sdippenaar@sdlaw.co.za.

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Suffer the little children

Nassisist relationship by Divorce Attorney Cape Town

A while ago we wrote about narcissistic relationships. We were shocked and humbled by the response. It seems there are many people in our fair city who are suffering abuse at the hands of partners – male and female – and many were unaware that the behaviour they were experiencing constituted abuse. We tend to think of ‘domestic abuse’ as synonymous with ‘domestic violence’; but people suffer many forms of emotional abuse without ever having a hand raised against them in anger.

In the UK a new law has recently been introduced specifically making ‘controlling or coercive behaviour in intimate or familial relationships’ a criminal offence. The law is designed to close gaps and remove ambiguities from existing legislation. Here in South Africa this behaviour is covered by the definition of domestic abuse. Very often controlling behaviour is carried out by individuals with narcissistic personality syndrome, and these can be male or female. We tend to hear more about women survivors of abuse, partly because gender-based violence and rape are problems of epidemic proportion in South Africa, but women can also behave narcissistically and men can be victims too.


Controlling behaviour

So often a controlling or narcissistic relationship starts out as a loving one. In fact there is often ecstatic infatuation in the initial, ‘honeymoon’ phase. Gradually, however, the ecstasy turns to agony, but the process is so insidious that the abused partner doesn’t realise what is happening and instead begins to doubt their own abilities and lose self-esteem. As one survivor put it, “You become compliant to such a nauseating degree, you sicken yourself. You apologise constantly for getting it wrong, although logic tells you that you can never get it right. By the time I escaped (there’s no other word for it) I felt as though I had the physical substance of smoke and yet perversely, I was heartbroken.”

So what does controlling behaviour look like? Read this list carefully and ask yourself some hard questions, because in our experience it is very hard to recognise; by the time someone is controlled to this extent they are convinced everything that’s wrong in the relationship is their fault. Controlling behaviours may include, among others:

  • Isolating someone from friends and family
  • Depriving them of their basic needs
  • Monitoring their time
  • Monitoring someone via online communication tools or using spyware
  • Controlling aspects of everyday life, such as where someone can go, who they can see, what they can wear and when they can sleep
  • Depriving someone of access to support services, such as specialist support or medical services
  • Constantly insulting or undermining someone
  • Insisting on rules and activities which humiliate, degrade or dehumanise someone
  • Preventing someone from having access to transport or from working

If any of this sounds familiar, you may be in a controlling relationship.


Coercive behaviour

Coercive behaviour is on a continuum with controlling behaviour but may happen later in the relationship, as the abuser tightens the grip on the victim and seeks more extreme forms of control. At this stage the controlling conduct is arguably pathological and there is a risk of crimes or worse being committed. Examples of coercive behaviour include:

  • Forcing someone to take part in criminal activity such as shoplifting, neglect or abuse of children
  • Financial abuse, which can include control of finances, withholding information about household finances, or insisting someone manage on an inadequate allocation of funds
  • Threats to hurt or kill
  • Threats to a child
  • Threats to disclose personal or private information to family or to the general public (e.g. online)
  • Assault
  • Criminal damage (such as destruction of personal property)
  • Rape

It’s important to note that while we firmly believe that narcissism is gender-neutral and men may just as easily enter into a relationship with a narcissist as women, controlling or coercive behaviour itself is ultimately a form of violence against women and girls and is underpinned and reinforced in South African culture by wider gender inequality issues in society. If you have experienced controlling or coercive behaviour in your relationship, please contact Simon on 087 550 2740 because we can help you put a stop to it.


What about the children?

We can’t leave this topic without talking about the children of narcissistic and controlling relationships. It’s unrealistic to assume that everyone in an abusive relationship sees the light within a few years and finds a way out. Many abusive, controlling relationships go on for years and it is inevitable that there will be children involved. So what happens to youngsters in these circumstances?

There are so many risks and issues involved with children in abusive parental relationships that it would be impossible for us to cover them all. We have confined our scope to children of narcissistic parents – male or female – because we believe that controlling relationships and narcissists go hand in hand. Hundreds of thousands of words have been written on the subject by experts in the field. But the saddest impact on children of a narcissist parent is very basically that they don’t feel loved. The foundation for a well-adjusted adult is a secure, loving childhood, but the children of narcissists are denied this. According to Seth Myers, Psy.D., “Young children of narcissists learn early in life that everything they do is a reflection on the parent to the point that the child must fit into the personality and behavioural mould intended for them. These children bear tremendous anxiety from a young age as they must continually push aside their own personality in order to please the parent…If these children fail to comply with the narcissist’s wishes or try to set their own goals for their life (they) will be overtly punished, frozen out or avoided for a period of time…”

The internet is awash with chat rooms and forums for adult children of narcissists. Almost unbelievably, there is a website called daughtersofnarcissisticmothers.com. It is not always possible to remove the child from the unhealthy environment caused by the narcissistic or controlling relationship; and then the best any supporting family member or social worker can do is support the child or children with affirmation of their self-worth and build their self-confidence to enable them to deal with the negative influences around them.

But if you are a parent raising a child in a relationship that is damaging you and proving harmful to your child or children, and you need help to find a way out, we can help. For the sake of your children, and your own happiness, there is an alternative.


Contact us now

SD Law & Associates are experts in divorce and family law. Contact us on 087 550 2740 or 076 116 0623. Or email sdippenaar@sdlaw.co.za. We will handle your query with discretion and compassion and give you the support you need to make a fresh start.

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Abusive relationships – why do some stay in them?

Abusive Relationships
We all know someone in a toxic relationship, or someone who has been in one.
Maybe you have a colleague who regularly comes to work with bloodshot eyes, and smudged mascara. You are fairly certain that she’s being abused by her husband from the way he treated her in front of everyone at Christmas party last year, and from what you’ve noticed through the office window when he drops her off at work.

Maybe you have a brother who is perpetually insulted, degraded, and emotionally crushed by his wife. She may even be physically abusive towards him. (Yes, it’s a fact that men can also be victims of physical abuse.) But, no matter what, he just refuses to report these incidents to the police and, even though you’ve begged him to leave his wife, he never does anything about escaping the abuse.

Maybe you are the one in a toxic relationship, and suffering abuse.

The million-dollar question is why do people remain in toxic relationships, especially where there is severe abuse?


“Stockholm Syndrome”

Naturally, there are many varied reasons why some people stay in toxic relationships. It may range from economic dependence, to religious reasons, family interests, cultural expectations, fear of the unknown, and a host of other reasons. However, one consideration is the “Stockholm Syndrome”. Psychologists coined this term back in 1973 after an incident when two gunmen tried to rob a bank in Stockholm, and held four hostages for five days. These hostages were badly abused, and feared for their lives. The police managed to free them, and arrested the bank robbers.

Everyone would have expected these hostages to have welcomed their kidnappers’ arrest, and would have called for them to be severely punished, especially after what they had endured. But, surprisingly, this was not the case at all. On the contrary, these hostages defended the actions of the kidnappers, and even argued for leniency. In fact, one of the hostages became engaged to one of the robbers, and another hostage started a fund to help the robbers pay for legal assistance.

Psychologists had documented other instances of this strange response of an abused person forming an emotionally bond with the abuser, and it is not confined to kidnapping.

Instances where emotional bonding can develop may include abused women and children, incest victims, cult members, and even those who find themselves in relationships where they are controlled and intimidated.



There are a number of warning signs for the Stockholm Syndrome that indicate that a victim has an emotional bond with the abuser, and these include justifying the abuser’s actions, and even helping the abuser. The victim may also not seek to escape the abuser, and may reject the efforts of friends and family to assist them in escaping the abusive environment. The list goes on, but the essence is that the victim apparently chooses to remain in this toxic environment.

Why would anyone bond with an abuser?

The core reason could be distilled to survival.

Where victims fear that their physical or psychological survival is threatened, or where they are isolated from friends and family, or exposed only to the views of the abuser, then the Stockholm Syndrome could be triggered. A victim may have the impression that they are unable to escape the abuse, and consequently try to survive within that toxic environment. Sometimes, even a kind gesture from the abuser can induce a victim to develop an emotional bond.

Whatever the case, the problem many face is how to escape the abuse.


So what should you do?

If a family member or friend is in an abusive relationship, you may feel outraged and protective but at the same time unable to help. Often the abused person has been isolated from family by the abuser or told to choose between the relationship and family. Because of the dependence that has formed the abused will not do anything to jeopardise the relationship, even if it means foregoing family contact.

The best approach is a gentle one. Avoid pressurising your loved one. This may only reinforce the negative messages they are already hearing from the abuser. Whatever you do, avoid directly confronting towards the abuser; this could make things worse for your loved one. Try to maintain predictable, scheduled contacts, such as a weekly phone call. Keep contact brief, and take advantage of traditional occasions for contact, such as birthdays. The abuser will see this type of contact as ‘normal’ and will be less threatened by it. Be patient: it is important for the abused to know they are loved and that support is there. Eventually they will use it.


How we can help

We specialise in family law at SD Law & Associates, and have helped many who are trapped in abusive relationships. Appropriate legal help may be required to assist a victim, as well as any children involved, and this could call for a restraining order.

We also work closely with psychologists and social workers who can offer emotional support. We are able to negotiate, or to litigate, and sometimes helping a client obtain a reasonable financial settlement, may be all that it takes to break an abuser’s hold.

We can advise you on how best to support a family member, and how to protect them. Contact us on 087 550 2740 or 076 116 0623.

Or email sdippenaar@sdlaw.co.za. Your query will be handled with discretion and compassion.

MailChimp: not recommended for this topic

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SD Law Supports 16 Days of Activism for No Violence Against Women & Children

16 Days of Activism


25 November marks the start of the 16th annual 16 Days of Activism for No Violence Against Women & Children. This is an international campaign that seeks to raise awareness of the plight of many women and children who suffer violence as a regular occurrence. Here in South Africa, the rape capital of the world, the campaign has particular poignancy.


Gender-based violence and HIV

While 16 days of activism is nowhere near enough to tackle the serious issue of violence against women andchildren in our society, we commend the campaign for the role it plays in keeping the issue of gender-based violence firmly on the political and social agenda. It is significant that the 16 Days encompasses World AIDS Day, on 1 December, because the face of the HIV epidemic in South Africa is the face of a woman. Not only is prevalence higher among women, particularly young Black women, but violence against women and gender inequality fuel the epidemic.


Under-reporting of rape

Police crime statistics for 2014-15 were released last month. They showed a 7.4% drop in sexual assaults since 2008-09. While this may appear to be good news, a number of organisations have warned against taking this statistic too literally. Both the Institute for Security Studies and the Shukumisa Campaign, a project dedicated to advocacy against gender-based violence, say that the recently released figures “cannot be taken as an accurate measure of either the extent or trend of this crime.”

Their concern is rather that rape survivors have decreasing levels of trust in the ability and willingness of the police to take rape charges seriously. It is estimated that only one in 13 rapes is actually reported to the police. According to the Mail & Guardian (02/10/2015), “Results of the National Victims of Crime Survey found that the proportion of victims who report their rapes to the police decreased by 21% between 2011 and 2014. This is shockingly alarming.”


Children are particularly vulnerable

If it is difficult for an adult woman to report a rape, it is even harder for girls and young women who have not yet learned how to assert themselves, or who may be intimidated into staying silent. The Mail & Guardian goes on to report, “… a University of Cape Town study found that, by the time South African children are between 15 and 17 years of age, one in five of them will have experienced sexual abuse.” This is not only traumatic for those children, and a damning indictment of our society, it also contributes to a recurring pattern of abuse. Studies have shown that women who were abused as girls are more likely to be abused as adults; and men who were exposed to abuse as children are more likely to be violent as adults.


We all have a part to play

Ending the cycle of violence and abuse in our country,particularly against women and children, involves all of us. We all have a duty to speak out against gender-based violence and to advocate for a fairer and more equitable society. You may be fortunate enough not to have been a victim of violence, but it is very likely you know someone who has. If your friend or family member is a rape survivor, one of the most important things you can do is simply to listen … and believe her. Many survivors are not believed, or are subjected to ‘victim-shaming’. “She was asking for it in that skirt.” “She should have known not to walk there.” These are just some of the comments that rape survivors endure.

Encourage a survivor to report the rape to the police, even after the fact. While it is very important to report a rape without delay, so that evidence can be gathered, it is better to report it late rather than not at all. It is only when all rapes are reported to the police that we will know the true extent of the crisis facing this country.

Support the survivor to seek help in dealing with the psychological trauma of rape. In Cape Town, the Rape Crisis Centre offers free counselling and other services to rape survivors.

There is also a good guide to supporting a survivor here: http://rapecrisis.org.za/information-for-survivors/supporting-a-rape-survivor/.

The Rape Crisis Centre can be contacted on:

Observatory​ 021 447 9762
Athlone​ 021 633 9229
Khayelitsha​ 021 361 9085


SD Law & Associates can help

If you are a rape survivor, or you are supporting someone who is, contact us for expert legal advice. We will bring your case to court and support you through the process with compassion and sensitivity. We understand that rape is one of the most traumatic experiences a woman can undergo, and we will ensure you feel supported and cared for throughout.

Contact Simon on 087 550 2740or 076 116 0623. Or email sdippenaar@sdlaw.co.za.

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